Cool Water

_ The things you can do with a hot dog...

_ What about removing the ham from a ham samitch? Easy enough, right?

_ Right as rain, my very good friend. Thank you for your consideration in dismissing me.

_ Dismissed... nothing could compare to being dismissed from school... How I hated school; it's a wonder I've survived as long as I have in this strange, strange world.

_ You must be a sannyasin.

_ A one-man platoon of buffoons; each thought a new king. That-a-way, boys! They went... What's the diff, right? What's the diff which way anyone goes? It's all so effin erfect.

_ How do you spell 'Johnny'?

_ It depends on how I feel. And how I feel depends on a whole boatload of things. Did you know that how I feel just might depend on how you feel?

_ How, or what?

_ However; whatever; whomever; if ever... If ever I would leave you it wouldn't be in Springtime...

_ Bobby! Baby! Booby! Where have you been, kid?! Sausage crisp! May your piggly's be wiggly from now until forever. Howsaboy?

_ Bobby ain't here. He's riding with the top down; the leading edge of what is commonly known as a guillotine has a fresh coat of red. When did it become acceptable to talk about the weather?

_ Right after the first scream resolved into silence. This has yet to happen so if you talk about the weather you're either ahead of your time, or you have yet to receive the memo.

_ What memo?

_ You, too, must die.

_ Nice. I'm thinking of naming myself Earvin Erfect.

_ And a nickname?

_ Nick Name, private I.

_ How about Bakers Eddy?

_ Will I still have to die?

_ Yes.

_ Nick Name - Private I; investigating how we traded the sacred for the profane; and how we came to think thought that we got the better of the deal.

_ Interesting... for about half of a second - one. I know of one group of people who think that if they were to stick an ice-pick through their eardrums they wouldn't be bored anymore.

_ Well they had better hurry up because it's not like there's a display of ice-picks at Best Buy.

_ Interesting that you should mention Best Buy. That is where the ceremony is going to take place... They're going to do it in the ear-bud aisle.

_ Next to the cauliflowers?

_ Yes, the next universe over.

_ Very interesting. Is there a world order? Am I missing out on something?

_ Yes, it's random; and yes, you are. Check your shopping cart before you check out, and exit the store screaming.

_ Is this random world order reminiscent of re-wrapped rotten meat.

_ Rotten... having completed the process of rotting. Never, I say! What would we have to look forward to? Meat never stops rotting. Think showering; think soap; think deodorant; think perfume; think left-handed compliments; think reincarnation - a new flower, rotting.

_ There's people at the next table talking about the weather.

_ They're idiots; they don't have a command over the alphabet. Lost in a lost world, right at home.

_ I'm an idiot.

_ I know that.

_ How would you know?

_ Because I'm an idiot, too. Nice day, huh?

_ Beautiful... the second nicest day ever.

_ Which one was first?

_ All the others tied for first.

_ You're an idiot.

_ I know. Chai?

_ Here my stomach's thinking that my throat has been cut. Indubitably.

                                                                      *******

... I wonder what Yoko Ono is doing this very moment.

... Self-importance. It's like skin.

photocredit

Unibrow

_ Sustainability and sacrifice; soft-shoe shufflers; showering before bed; taking a series of deep breaths; walking East until your hat floats; doing something for yourself; dying with money in the bank; having money in the bank in the first place.

_ Relinquish all conditions of existence.

_ 'Among fishes I am the shark; among rulers I am Death...'

_ Simplicity is always an option.

_ No it isn't. Simple is complex. I have a China plate resting on the sidewalk. Perhaps you passed it on the way in. It is prior to options; it is of  royal lineage. The first dog, cat, bird, bug or person who drops the deuce on it gets a free crueller. Pointless - like mine friend Dostoevsky. Straight lines are crooked; a progression begs regression. I would sooner be wrapped tight in shrink-wrap then to stand stymied by yet another "You are here" sign. I long for the end of longing. Do lovers use mirrors?

_ It's the past's fault. The past will tell you that - it's all there is. Some call it suffering - being crushed beneath a wheel. Lies, lies and more lies; the past lies.

_  Coffee?

_ Coffee?

_ Yes. It's good for you.

_ The past is the only present you'll ever know. You didn't know that, did you? Well now you do. It's good for you, like an echo. Tell me, are there still little babies in the world? Little babies waiting for us to save them from themselves? Wheeled around tony neighborhoods - nice ta-ta's; very nice ta's. The stroller strolling, strolling, gone; there are now cup-holders and built-in mittens on strollers. I'm never not sure how to act, thus I cause a lot of what is commonly referred to as trouble, especially when I am out on the stroll, my pants in high water mode.  Should I smile pleasantly? Or maybe turn my head just in time to see a dog take a shit on the promenade.

_ Have a coffee; it's good for you.

_  I consider myself blessed. To be - it's effortless; a work in progress. I'm just one grain of sand away from 'here'; and contained within that one distant grain of sand is every other grain of sand.

_ The reason why Jones Beach is so famous is not because of Jones, but because it contains amongst all its seemingly infinite grains of sand, the original grain of sand; some skeptics say it is, in fact, a breadcrumb. But what do they know? They're ditch-diggers, Bobby.

_ Bobby's not here.

_ It's a sunny day in May...

_ May the day never come.

_ ... and the rest of the day to you. And near everyone is laughing, happy, talking, smiling. And I?... I laugh the best for I laugh last - I often don't get the joke.

_ Trains of thought. I'm on an airplane now; I'm - I am - afraid to fly.

_ Can you imagine?

_ Can water get wet?

_ You're angry today - I can tell. Have a coffee; it might kill you. The next one could be your last. Did you know that complete strangers - invisible beings on the run, beings who have merged into one big, blue, bountiful sky - have told me that I laugh too loud at things that aren't funny. I wonder about the veracity of such an allegation. I consult the owner's manual - they are wrong. Johnny's wearing salmon shorts - farm raised; his dog has diarrhea. He deftly scoops, with the bag inside out on his hand. The bag breaks; his hand is covered in watery feces. He sees me watching so I give him the finger. I was hoping he saw the humor in it, but he didn't. He grabs his crotch in an attempt to express his displeasure with me. I bet he wishes that he used his other hand. I'm not sure that this is of interest to you; and, quite frankly, I don't care. I don't know what it means to care. Who cares? Don't answer that question. Take a look around and see for yourself what passes for everyday life.

_ You resemble Irving 'Swifty' Lazar. All this time it has been driving me crazy, and now I know: You are the ghost of Irving 'Swifty' Lazar. But that is where the resemblance stops, for Swifty couldn't stand his nickname; you don't have one.

_ One born one dies; unborn, no death. Do you ever remember not having been? The year 2013; who's keeping track of such things? To disprove evolution is to prove it; the clock strikes twelve twice a day; neither sticks, or have you noticed? Real time...

_ You're in...

_ Don't start with the EGBDF. You listen to me and you listen good.

_ Who's angry now?

_ Vanilla. A nice fella. A good man; a fambly man. Namby pamby fambly man. We say the voices of the dead have been quieted, but what do we really know? I don't hear them screaming. That much I can tell you. But does that mean anything? I can hear dogs whistling. I pick up the tune. They laugh when I've finished, when I wipe the spittle from my face. To laugh myself sick. Have a coffee; it's good for you.

_ Purple... I like my coffee purple. Johnny! Johnny! Over here!

_ I  thought Johhny was in the basement, mixing up the...

_ How dare you! There are no substitutions. Such hubris! I should sentence you to a life of leisure with nothing to which you might deign to compare it to. Did you see the news? Did you hear the tree? Do you feel the dust collect upon the otherwise shining face of the mirror? Have you ever seen anything that wasn't a reflection of something else, much less your fucking face? The whole solar system has dropped two feet deeper into the uncharted regions known as space - outer; my stomach flipped - now I'm better. What would you like me to say?

_ Heartbroken in Hoboken; that you don't have one; that you're a bitter man. I would like you to say something that portends of a coming Sun.

_ You want me to start over?

_ No. I want you to continue as you are. Chai?

_ Just so long as it's not good for me.

                                                                   ********

... The onion of history has shown that Sam did not make the pants, much less too long, much less the shorts - salmon.

... The esteemed opinion of water gone.

photocredit